- I still don't know

Once again,  when i pressed ink to the paper, first words that came into my head were "I don't know". I still don't quite know how to shake those words off my mind. I'm thinking if I know what loving someone really means. I'm thinking if I ever knew. Was it all a farce? Was it ever real? Did i ever feel things I thought I've felt? Again, I don't know. I'm not sure of anything, I never was. There were those feelings, nice and warm ones, of course, but I can't tell if they were feelings of love. Maybe some day, when looking back at those days will make me realize what those feeling were made of. Where they came from and why I felt that way. If it was true love or it was just a false feeling of being in love. "Go with the flow", "You will know when you meet the right one", "Do not expect, let yourself be surprised". Let's quit this optimism. When I met someone, I never felt it. Maybe it's the fault in myself. In not loving myself enough to let others love me. I don't know how to change that, but loving yourself should come first. I don't feel that spark in myself, I hate my personality and even more - my looks. That's not quite helpful, I realize that but once again, I can't shake that off either.  I don't know when it's enough for love. Maybe I don't want to be in love, it's risky. It means one more thing i have to deal with, fight for it, care about and be afraid of losing it. Ah, maybe I'm just too young to understand yet.